Shelly Herbers | Rose Hill Friends Church
When considering the challenge to “Come and die,” or as some might phrase it, dying to self, my mind and heart are quickened with a sense of weariness. Hesitant to admit it, but with a conviction to be honest, and in light of authenticity, I feel I must admit to that which the Lord has worked in my life and how He is currently transforming me. Without all the details of a life lived with infertility, I think it’s fair to say the word itself describes the painful and often silent struggle a couple endures as everyone seems to know someone with this undesired thorn in the flesh. My husband and I were blessed with a biological child and I have to say, it is not lost on the us the absolute miracle and blessing she is.
To long for more children potentially sounds and definitely felt a bit selfish in light of other’s barren journeys. However, the desire to have more children can be nearly as difficult, as the idea or lie from the enemy continues to pester even the strongest of faith. “You aren’t good enough, you aren’t a good parent, where did you go wrong? And the worst, “you aren’t in His favor.” The mental gymnastics it takes to hold on to Truth was exhausting. I knew my right standing with God is based on His finished work, and in no way was this a result of His doing. None the less, the discouragement and shame had taken up residence. My plan for my family, as well as some misguided theology, had to die.
This trial took me to a place of brokenness, a place of resolve, as I could no longer control the outcome, and our family may look different and be different than what came so easily for others. I blamed myself for what was happening to me. In my weakened state, (fertility tx had taken a toll), I was a prime target for the enemy’s arrows. False accusations felt so real resulting in a time of wrestling. I could truly relate to the illustration of a pilot lost in a storm. He may feel like is going one direction or perhaps upside down, but he must rely only on his instruments. I had to replace the lies with the Truth.
“Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world.” I John 4:4
“He that began a good work in you will carry it on to completion.” Phil 1:6
“Jesus is the same yesterday today and forever.” Hebrews 13:8
“I will never leave you, nor forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5
These were a few of the verses that would dance back and forth from my mind to my heart, …..and back again.
Along with,
“….His compassions never fail, they are new every morning; great is His faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23
Of course I poured over Romans 8, and Ephesians 1, which reminded me I was adopted and how he had chosen to lavish His love on me.
More essential favorites, 1John 3:19-21 “Our hearts may condemn us, but God is greater than our hearts.”
“Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely Oh Lord, you hem me in- behind and before – you have laid your hand on me.” Psalms 139:4-6
His Word was like a soothing balm to my spiraling and aching soul. I do want to point out that although I studied God’s Word and relentlessly read every Christian help book for myself, it wasn’t like the spoken Word. When two or three gathered and spoke Light, the confusion cleared, and peace came in those moments.
God gives us family, friends, counsellors, and pastors to give wise counsel when we are struggling. He gives us those who are comforting those with the comfort in which they have received, 2 Corinthians 1:4, those who have perhaps tread the same path you are now having to navigate. After having received the hormonal balance needed, validating a medical truth that the body lends to the mind and the mind lends to the body, and holding on to THE TRUTH, a transformation in my heart and mind had cleared the legalistic cobwebs that had uninvitedly and unknowingly taken root since childhood.
Saved and dunked as a child, I understood the best I could at the tender and vulnerable age of nine. A fuller understanding of Grace came later as many Christians experience through maturity and intentional study of scripture. However, as stated before, there were untruths buried in the mental circuitry somewhere. God loves you, as long as you don’t go too far! God loves you, as long as you hold it all together! God loves you, as long as your faith doesn’t fail! Your sin is covered, as long as it isn’t the ‘big one.’ It was a faith that required a holding on to God more firmly than His eternal grip on me resulting in fear-based performance, rather than grateful obedience and rest in His tender mercy and sustaining grace. I began to understand God as ‘Father’ who saved me to the uttermost and loves me to the uttermost.
Brian Romero states, “God is not waiting to see if we last long enough. He is actively keeping us. Endurance in the Christian life is not about holding on in fear but being held in grace through every season.” Jude 1:24 tells us that God,” is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of His glory with great joy.”
Through this season, which was by no means brief, I was brought to a place of being able to understand others’ pain, weaknesses, and faith struggles. I can honestly say, circumstances where I would have stood in judgment, I am now able to come along side with an understanding I less than care to admit, and a compassion that didn’t previously exist.
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